Love Hopes All Things

Love never fails

Last month I talked about being wobbly. Both in my head and in the world. Physically, January brought me vertigo and as for the world…well, where do I start?

Trying to keep a steady head is difficult. Especially now that we’re in February and all about chocolates, teddy bears, roses, and huge decorative festooned declarations of love.

It’s been a while since I dated but I remember sitting in a restaurant with a man I’d been fixed up with as we shared things about ourselves. Performing the verbal dance one does when trying to decide if this is someone you want to spend time with. Somewhere in the talk about families and ex-spouses he asked me if I’d ever really been in love.

Stopping mid bite, I glitched a bit and froze as I thought this question over. Have I ever been in love? It was an impossible question to answer. I mean, if I’d really been in love, wouldn’t that partner be sitting here instead of this random guy?

I know I’ve personally had times where I was “in love”, which is like a bit of lunacy. Different connotation in my mind than “love”. Being “in love” is that state of dementia where one person lives rent free in your mind 24/7 and floats in your thoughts like some kind of pixie. Where everything they do is interesting and wonderful. Where the way they chew, with their mouth a little open is somehow adorable.

It’s a phase that ends when the red flags you’ve somehow ignored begin to whip you in the face and you must find a way to wish that person a fond farewell. If you don’t, one more smack of those food covered lips in your presence could result in violence with the butter knife. So, kicking them to the curb is an act of kindness really. For their own safety.

But real love? The feeling of real love is constant, isn’t it? I’m not much of a bible scholar, nor a professed Christian for that matter, but even so, I still remember being taught Corinthians 13 and I know that…

“Love is patient, love is kind…”

My memory has faded some but I’m pretty sure that it doesn’t say love chews with their mouth open, drinks too much, stares at your boobs, and oops forgets their wallet so you have to pick up the whole bill.

While I didn’t continue dating that man, for obvious reasons, I still appreciated him asking a thoughtful question. And while I write out my thoughts here with some clarity, my verbal response in the moment was probably more like, shrug, “Uhhh, I’m not sure. I dunno. Don’t think so though. You gonna eat that last roll?” or something equally profound.

Really. What is love?

By February I was still dealing with January’s vertigo. The source seemed to be between my neck and ear on the right side of my head. Massages, chiropractors, medication, and I still found myself being caught by a complete stranger as I toppled over during a recent social event. Adorable meet-cute material in Jane Austen novels perhaps, but not practical in real life.

My trainer and I had seen some folks on social media who offer their horses for healing. They lay out a massage table and put the human on it, usually in some idyllic wooded fairy forest, while the magical herd gathers around and with an air of mysticism, share their intuitive horsey healing energy.

But why hire someone else’s horses when I have two completely adorable horses of my own to work with?

Ever since our accident, Ty and I have had healing to do, both mentally and physically. Tapping into a horse’s innate ability to connect and calm seemed like a great idea. While we didn’t have a forest full of fairies or any particularly mystical setting, we do have a big round pen, a massage table, and the will to try something different.

The day arrived and I lay stretched out on the table in the pen while Ty was at liberty to go wherever he wanted. The sun was in my eyes and I had covered my face with a cloth. I could hear Ty’s uncertain breathing as he slowly approached the table. For a few moments he just hovered over me blocking all the light. I slowed my breathing and went into as much of a meditative state as I could. I heard him begin to paw the ground underneath my head before he lowered his own and with his teeth removed the cloth from my face. Once he could see me, he brought his giant head closer and nuzzled the right side of my neck. For a while he used his lips to massage around my ear and then just calmly stood there, resting his head on my shoulder as we synchronized our breathing together.

And my vertigo went away.

Logically I suppose there are a lot of factors that came together that could account for my recovery and I don’t want to make you all wobbly with the woo-woo. You can make of it what you will. But in my heart, I give Ty and the pure love he shared with me the real credit. Just by being together, just by letting go of pain in the moment, just by sharing, we helped each other.

“Love believes all things…”

Maybe I do know love after all.

Thinking back to that date in the restaurant and the question that guy asked, I can answer more clearly now. Have I ever been in love? Yes. Yes, I have.

“Now these three remain: faith, hope, and love—but the greatest of these is love.”

And it’s remarkably horse shaped.