A Bit of March Madness

You can take your rankings and stuff 'em

Every year as the new annual adventure begins, I find myself working through a stack of paperwork. Taxes aside, I have so many things that renew within the first few months, not the least of which is the insurance I carry for my horses. There’s the protection for major medical costs, liability protection, and even mortality coverage. Their value is assessed, and it is so strange to me, not only that I have to put a price on them, but also the wide disparity in assessed value between Trudy and Ty, which is only on paper and not in my heart. On paper, both of their values have gone up with all the training, the wins at horse shows, and their good health.

Should the day come that I lose one of them, getting a check from the insurance company would not be in my thoughts. To me, they are my loves, my family. They are enough as they are. They are priceless.

The relationship I have with my horses and my friend’s horses is good. Some of them perk up and nicker when they see me. I like to believe this is because of my kind heart, my warm smile, and the affection I have for them. More likely, it’s because they know me as “the treat lady” and they figure I’m good for a cookie or some apples or both. They regard me based on what value I bring to them, not for who I am.

This got me thinking: who decides your worth?

I raised this question with some friends recently and of course the first response was, “I do.” That’s great. That is how it should be. But is that really true? In the day in, day out of our lives, how often do we find ourselves questioning how much we are valued by those around us, whether at home, at work, or just out in the world?

Every day we see efforts to deem people as having less value based on race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, age, or the choices they make for their own lives. How does all of that not take something out of your heart?

As an employee, you’re conditioned to question your worth. Assuming you’re not one of those lucky people who are self-employed and/or doing what you love, you’re likely subject to the whims of corporate America and they get to decide your worth. Look at any budget sheet and employees are a line item, a commodity, right next to real estate and computers, frequently represented in fractions of units (as in partial people) with a dollar figure assigned. So what value do you bring? How much are they getting out of you in exchange for paying you? And how much does that vary over time? Hero one year, failure the next. There’s always the pressure to perform, to show what you can do today. Never mind the great thing you did yesterday, what have you done for me lately? It’s exhausting and, in my experience, absolutely soul sucking.

Since leaving my job, I’ve found myself over the last few months becoming even more reflective than usual and also spending way more than I should on new clothes. One great thing about not working is how much time I can allot now to working out and exercising and enjoying the improved fitness and the weight I’ve lost because of it. But even so, I’ve bought more fun clothes than I need. So I asked myself what am I trying to do with this “glow up”? What is this façade trying to hide?

To be honest, I grew up with a deep sense that I was not good enough, not pretty enough, and not particularly lovable. Where that came from isn’t for this post, but what I find fascinating, and frustrating, is how hard it is to let that feeling go. I have worked on, and continue to work on, determining my value for myself. To tune out the exterior and tap into my own heart.

The truth is, I don’t have to earn or prove my value. I am enough as I am. We all are. And that is so much harder to hold onto than it sounds. Especially now, at this point in history.

Trudy doesn’t struggle with these thoughts. She is pleased with herself almost all the time and gets any bit of validation she needs every day. Watching Trudy enjoying herself in the paddock, I envy her. She is content. She has a “herd” she loves, a crew that makes sure she has everything she needs, and she gets the best of care. She gets to exercise, go on trails, wear the nicest things. And even more importantly she gets extra loving from the “treat lady”. Life is good.

As humans we would do well to be more like horses. I look around and see the abundance of my life. Sure the material things: a comfortable home, a well-stocked pantry, a nice car, and all those fun new clothes. But even more importantly are the friends, the family, the community that accepts me as I am and where I can share and receive the love that we all so desperately need.

Sometimes I forget all of that and it’s good to be reminded. What is truly valuable, you can never put a price on.